Why so serious? Learning to be a Mommy.

I realized today that as of lately my blog topics have always been so serious which I find interesting because it is not often that I have deep revelations about life and things of that nature. So I thought I would write a blog on a lighter more fun topic , Learning to be a Mommy, though this is tough at times (as posted about in my last blog) it is probably the most fun thing I have ever done in my entire life.
Some people may be tired of reading about this stuff and if that's you then sorry go read another blog. This is my life and I am loving every minute of it.
I realized a couple days ago just how much I have changed in the last three months (since we have had Ethan full time). In this past three months I have gone from waking up fifteen minutes before I needed to out the door to waking up an hour an a half before we needed to be anywhere! I have also done things like planned a birthday party and attended parent teach meetings and today received and invite to a Christmas concert at his school, and though this is always something I knew would come one day it is still so surreal that it is happening to me now. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I AM DOING!! but I love it! I feel like I was thrown head first into the deep end of the pool without knowing how to swim because I didn't get the chance to work my way into mommyhood from infancy on up. I saw Ethan a couple times a year from the age of 2 on and now he is here all the time so I am jumping in sink or swim.
I have found it humorous that I do and say the things to him that I remember my parents doing for me and it makes me laugh because I just can't believe it is myself on the other end, battles at bedtime , hearing "I don't like it" at dinner time when it's a food he has never tried hearing him tell me it's not fair when his toys get taken away when he was being bad and me saying the ever so famous phrase "life isn't fair."
I love being able to take him and his friends out to places and hear them giggling in the backseat because I listen to silly music and find it incredibly adorable when he is trying to be sneaky and do something he shouldn't but he ends up laughing so loud that he gives himself away.
I love his cuddles
I love his kisses (spider and centipede kisses in all)
I love his laugh
I love his shyness
I love for life
and as cliche as it may sound he really does make me want to be a better person I want to set the example for him.
He is 6 now and I can't wait to watch him turn 7 and 10 and 16 and 30. He makes my life so much more fun and I love learning to be his Mommy Anna.

Identity Crisis

As most anyone who ever reads my blog knows I am married and have been for the last two and half years and I have been with my husband for nearly 4 years. You also probably know that when I began dating Tim it was not just Tim and myself it has always been Tim myself and his son (now our son) Ethan who was 2 at the time we got together and is now almost 6.

When Tim and I first began dating I was only nineteen and though I have always loved kids the idea of potentially being a "step parent" seemed a little daunting, but as time went on I grew to love not only Tim but to love Ethan more than words could ever express. 

For the majority of our relationship Tim and I have lived in GA while Ethan and his mom live in CT and we would see him a few times a year and talk with him on the phone multiple times through out the week. Though this was not an ideal situation it is what we had to do for our family at the time. 

Since having gotten married I have ALWAYS referred to Ethan as my son, as I genuinely do see him that way and the times he was with us I have always treated him as such. From the beginning he has always called me Anna , which please don't misunderstand is completely acceptable, especially when he only ever saw me maybe twice a year. 

However since late August due to situations no one could control Ethan is now with his dad and I full time, something I have viewed as such a huge blessing but at the same time it has opened an entirely new can of worms.

Ethan has a mom and she is very much involved in his life though she lives about 2 hours away now she sees him regularly and they talk and skype often. By no means would I ever want to take that from either of them and I would never want to take her place in Ethan's eyes, but this leaves me in quite an odd place especially given that he is with us full time now and we I am more a part of his day to day activities. 

I hate ever having to refer to Ethan as my stepson it just sounds so distant to me and not a reflection of how I truly view him. He is my boy but I am not his mom. I have had quite an identity crisis of sorts lately in not knowing who I am or what I am to him. I know he views me as an authoritative figure and I know he knows I am his dads wife but I don't know how much he gets aside from that and I can't help but wish for more than that. He knows what a step mom is by definition but at five I do not know that he fully grasps it. It seems like almost daily I struggle not fully knowing what to do on simple things like signing permission slips or filling out contact info for soccer registrations; Do I put my name in under mom or do I list his moms even though she would most likely not be able to make it here fast enough int he event of an emergency? Do I give permission on things school related or do I wait til his dad is home and get his ultimate approval first? and perhaps the toughest one of all When I introduce myself to his friends moms at school am I his mom or stepmom or father's wife? 

I feel if I say I am his stepmom it seems so cold and uncaring and if I say I am his mom I do not want him to feel uncomfortable. 

To be honest I am not sure of exactly what the point of this blog is or what I am hoping to get out of it. I just needed to vent as this is something that I have been dealing with a lot lately. If anyone has any suggestions I am definitely willing to take them. 

I would just love to know what is and isn't ok and if there is anything that makes this easier. 

22

Lately I have been thinking a lot about my life and where I am and who I am now in comparison to where I thought I would be.... When I was younger I never imagined the age of 22 being what it is, I never imagined it at 22 I would have titles like wife, mother, daughter in law, I always thought at 22 I would have a very carefree lifestyle of your normal 20 something female and that I would be graduated with my bachelors and working towards my masters.
Don't get me wrong in no way am I complaining about the life I lead, my husband and son are my world and I would not trade them for anything, but that does not mean that there aren't times that I think about and realize just how young 22 really is.... In my mind I feel like an adult I fell as though in my mind I am 35 and am balancing the stresses of life like work schedules and bills and running errands like kids doctors appointments and soccer games and getting groceries, instead of the things in my mind a typical 22 year old may be doing like hanging out with friends and going to the movies and taking spur of the moment trips to random locations. I would be lying if i said there were never times I didn't wish for that type of lifestyle of little stress and responsibility.
While thinking about all this though I have come to one realization that has made a lot of things clear the reason my life isn't what I thought it would be is because those were MY plans not GODS and can I just tell you that GODS plans were sooooo much better. God knew where I was in my life at 19 when I he made a way for me to be introduced to my best friend and love of my life, and he knew where I was at the age of 20 when I said "I do" to that same man and committed to a life with him. He knows where I am at 22 when giving me the amazing honor and blessing to be the main provider for our sweet little boy. I am so thankful that my life didn't go according to my plans because I wouldn't trade a single "I love you " from either of my boys for any fun crazy night or trip and I wouldn't trade a single bed time story and night time prayers for any party. So when I think about what my life could have been I remember one simple verse.
Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future."

The Little Things

As many of you may or may not have heard Tim and I have made the decision that as of October we will be moving to Massachusetts to live. This has been good news to some people and not so good news for others. I wanted to take a moment to write this blog so that the people close to us can at least get a little bit of insight into why the decision was made and what went into it as I feel like we are getting a lot of people asking why or if we had considered different things when making this choice.
I do want to let people know that this was not an overnight decision. This was not a something we gave little thought to. Tim and I have both thought and prayed about this situation for a while now and have considered all that is to be considered concerning the issue. We understand what we are giving up here in GA and it is not gonna be easy to walk away from a great job, a wonderful family, and everything I know to be home but through prayer and a lot of thought I have come to the realization that I have to do what's best for MY family, as in mine and Tim's not my extended family. I love my Mother, brothers, sister in laws and nieces and nephew more than anyone will ever know but as true as that may be they aren't my priority Ethan is.

God blessed me two years ago not only with an amazing husband but also a beautiful little boy that I wouldn't trade for anything on this planet. Moving to MA will accomplish something Tim and I have been trying to do ever since he moved here three years ago and that is being closer to Ethan and getting to see him so much more often. Most parents tend to take for granted so many "little" things they get to do with their kids on a regular basis that we are being forced to miss out on due to the distance between us. We want so badly be able to see Tee ball games, school plays, soccer games, we want to be able to attend parent teacher conferences, and mostly we want to stop having to decide which holidays we can afford to go see him on. Ethan is our world and is mine and Tim's number one priority and right now we are not able to be the parents that we want to be from this far away. So I'm sorry if it upsets people that we are choosing to leave so much behind but none of it matters to me. I don't care if I have a job that pays ten times what I make right now it wont be worth more than being able to see him more than three times a year.

Leaving will be hard and to be honest there are some days that I dread the idea of doing so but there are other days when I get so excited to start a new chapter with my husband and son. I know everyone has the best of intentions when trying to give us advice and tell us what we should or shouldn't do, but I would really appreciate if everyone would just trust us on this one. Trust that we have mature and responsible and done our homework, trust that we know what is best for us, and please stop trying to convince us other wise because it makes it that much more difficult on all of us. I love you all and I hope that this is a decision that will prove to be beneficial for everyone in the long run.

Time to speak up.

Before I even begin I have a brief disclosure. I am writing this as a wife, mother, daughter, grandaughter, sister, neice, cousin and friend. It is not my goal to offend anyone or make anyone feel bad. However, with that being said I WILL NOT apologize for what I say nor will my opinion be easily swayed. This post is written primarily for family but I am sure that others may find this to be relavent to their life as well.

For the last few months my family seems to have based battle after battle, now battles are hard enough to fight on any occasion but even harder to fight when your oponent is your own family. I write this post with a broken heart as I have seen people who mean the world to me tear each other to shreds. It's not right and it HAS to stop. Marriages and invaluable relationships are being destroyed.

I am well aware I do not have EVERY detail to EVERY story but from what I do know a lot of this is he said she said highschool garbage. I understand there is hurt in these marriages and relationships that runs deep and that it wont be fixed over night but I feel as though instead of trying to make ammends and work through it, as a family should, instead we are all way to busy casting stones at each other. As a christian family we all KNOW this is not as GOD has commanded.

"For when they kept questioning him, he straightened and said to them, "Let any of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone"

---John 8:7

and James 2:10

"For whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumbles at just one point is guilty for breaking all of it."

We all know these verses are true as none of us is without sin and every one of us has failed ourselves and each other far more than once and will continue to fail until the day we die. No one failure is greater than the other, but as a family we are to forgive and rejoice in the great things GOD has blessed us with.

We have been through far worse things and are so much stronger than we give ourselves credit for. We tend to take each other for granted. We have two of our own fighting over seas in a war zone and as we all learned on that unforgettable day in 1994 that you never know when GOD is going to call someone home and you never know what your last conversation will be or the last time you will get to tell them you love them. I know there is a lot of hurt and anger going around but not a single one of you can deny the love that we feel despite it all.

I have made a point to stay our of all the different situations, I have not commented on facebook comments and messages for a reason as I did not feel I had anything to say. However now I feel differently. I want MY family back the one who doesn't just give up because things have gotten a bit rough the one that fights for their loved ones and does everything to mend relationships with their spouse, mother, father, sister, brother, exct. I no longer want to be this family that satan is trying to create and I really hope that you all can take this seriously and put you pride aside in order to try and make things good again for all of us.

I know I am not alone in how I think or feel and this is part of the reason I have written this. I love you all!

Vows

" He who finds a wife finds what is good and recieves favor from the LORD"

Proverbs 18:22

It seems to me that all I see on facebook anymore is people, more specifically married couples, airing their dirty laundry and relationship issues out for the entire world to see. This beyond frustrates me for a few reasons but mainly because I have to wonder where the love and respect went in their relationship? It makes me wonder if there ever was any. A marriage is a beautiful thing and can be the greatest thing in your life but it is most often one of the hardest things in life.

A husband and wife should be respectful of each other at all times in good time and in bad. How can a man say such negative about his wife , the woman he has vowed to honor and protect, to an entire audience of people. And how can a wife curse her huband, the man she has vowed to serve and stand beside, to everyone to see? These are things that baffle me.... I understand marriages are rough and people get angry and occasionally things get said that are not meant but why would you put that out there for the world to see? I love and respect my husband far to much for that. Though he can upset me and make me mad I would never blast him all over the internet because quite frankly it's not the place nor is it anyones business. The devil finds any foot hold he can grab onto to destroy a marriage and making issues so public gives him the perfect opprotunity to come in and plant hatred between two peple who used to think their spouse was the most amazing person in the world.

I find it very sad that I know 6 married couples on the verge of divorce! 4 or wich are under the age of 30. Only one of these couples have seeked help in the form of couseling. We have been so trained in modern society that if somethings gets hard then we can just give up and move on insead of fighting through it. Nothing worth having comes easy. I just need to say to any couple who may be struggling, Please remember what you vowed on your wedding day. Work through the hard times. Statistically the majority of marriages end between the 2nd and 4th year simply because the newness has wornoff and life has reared its ugly head and couples just forget to fight for their marriage and the allow other things to become more important.

"More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the
better comes after the worse." ~Doug Larson

I would give anything to have what you have.

I remember when I was around seven years old I was sitting in my grandmother's kitchen playing with my dolls and my uncle asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up and I simply said that I wanted to be a mommy. This is such a vivid memory for me and for a while I wasn't really sure why but I believe its because even though that was nearly fifteen years ago and i am now all grown up that want and desire still remains true. There have been alot of things in my life that I have gone back and forth on, that one day I wanted and the next day I didn't but my desire to be a mother and a wife and to care for a family has never once been doubted.

God has blessed me in the past two years with the most amazing man that anyone could ask for and he allowed me the great honor of being his wife. As if Tim was not enough God also blessed me by having Ethan become a part of my family as well. I have never cared for a child in the way that I do that little boy. Though he is not a part of my body and he does not share my DNA he is a huge part of my husband and this makes him so incredibly speacial to him. I have just gotten the great chance to spend some time with him for a little over a week and be his caregiver. Since he lives far away we don't often get the chance to tuck him in at night or give him hugs and kisses when he is sick or hurt. We don't get the chance to take him to his favorite resturaunts or to parks, but this week we were given that opprotunity and I couldn't have asked for a better week. I know most women complain about cooking, cleaning laundry and things of that nature but I love doing it for my family. Though this week has been one of the happies weeks it has also been one of the most depressing.

A couple months ago I went to the doctor because I had been having issues with my monthly cycle and the ran a lot of tests and ultimately discovered that there is a good chance what is known as PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) I know alot of people are familiar with it but the reasearch I have done it has come to my knowledge that it greatly limits your chances to have children of your own since it prevents your body from releasing eggs properly. Though this is not a for sure diagnosis ( will go to the doctor again in a few weeks) it is some of the most devastating news I have recieved. I see Ethan as my son no questions asked, but the fact reamins that he isn't "mine" he has a mommy he has someone that tucks him in every night he has someone that reads him his favorite books and he has someone to kiss his boo boos. No matter how much I want to be I am not who he wants when he is upset he wants his mommy. Don't get me wrong I understand this is how it should be that is his mothers right and her role in his life but I can't help but find myself incredibly jealous of her and all the others who have been given that amazing gift and I can't help but find myself wondering if I will ever have it. I can't express how difficult it is to see someone in a certain way and in them view you in an entirely different manner. I care for Ethan as though he were mine and we get along very well and I will be his Anna for forever just not his mommy. I get so discouraged and frustrated when I see comments about women complaining about having to care of the children, I guess they just don't realize what they have. There are many days when we have Ethan that I simply feel like I am playing house and that sooner or later it is all going to come to an end, that in just a few more days he will return to his mommy and then I will have to go back to my "normal" life. Please don't misunderstand I love being a wife and I love caring for my husband but my heart can't help but long for more.

I know I have probably sounded as though I think what I have is not enough but I promise that's not what I mean Ethan and Tim are my world and if I never do give birth to a child of my own I still could not be more blessed. I know GOD is in control and he has a plan and I am trying my best to trust in him and be patient and see his plans for me. I know he is bigger than any silly disease or disorder and I know if it is his will I will concieve when the time is right. I have just never been the best at being patient when I want something so badly. If anything comes of this blog its for any of the mothers who read it to just hug their kids and truely be thankful for them don't get frustrated as easily even when temper tantrums are being thrown or a baby has been crying for hours on end and you havent slept in days just know that there are so many women in the world that would give anything to have what you have.