Why so serious? Learning to be a Mommy.

I realized today that as of lately my blog topics have always been so serious which I find interesting because it is not often that I have deep revelations about life and things of that nature. So I thought I would write a blog on a lighter more fun topic , Learning to be a Mommy, though this is tough at times (as posted about in my last blog) it is probably the most fun thing I have ever done in my entire life.
Some people may be tired of reading about this stuff and if that's you then sorry go read another blog. This is my life and I am loving every minute of it.
I realized a couple days ago just how much I have changed in the last three months (since we have had Ethan full time). In this past three months I have gone from waking up fifteen minutes before I needed to out the door to waking up an hour an a half before we needed to be anywhere! I have also done things like planned a birthday party and attended parent teach meetings and today received and invite to a Christmas concert at his school, and though this is always something I knew would come one day it is still so surreal that it is happening to me now. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I AM DOING!! but I love it! I feel like I was thrown head first into the deep end of the pool without knowing how to swim because I didn't get the chance to work my way into mommyhood from infancy on up. I saw Ethan a couple times a year from the age of 2 on and now he is here all the time so I am jumping in sink or swim.
I have found it humorous that I do and say the things to him that I remember my parents doing for me and it makes me laugh because I just can't believe it is myself on the other end, battles at bedtime , hearing "I don't like it" at dinner time when it's a food he has never tried hearing him tell me it's not fair when his toys get taken away when he was being bad and me saying the ever so famous phrase "life isn't fair."
I love being able to take him and his friends out to places and hear them giggling in the backseat because I listen to silly music and find it incredibly adorable when he is trying to be sneaky and do something he shouldn't but he ends up laughing so loud that he gives himself away.
I love his cuddles
I love his kisses (spider and centipede kisses in all)
I love his laugh
I love his shyness
I love for life
and as cliche as it may sound he really does make me want to be a better person I want to set the example for him.
He is 6 now and I can't wait to watch him turn 7 and 10 and 16 and 30. He makes my life so much more fun and I love learning to be his Mommy Anna.

Identity Crisis

As most anyone who ever reads my blog knows I am married and have been for the last two and half years and I have been with my husband for nearly 4 years. You also probably know that when I began dating Tim it was not just Tim and myself it has always been Tim myself and his son (now our son) Ethan who was 2 at the time we got together and is now almost 6.

When Tim and I first began dating I was only nineteen and though I have always loved kids the idea of potentially being a "step parent" seemed a little daunting, but as time went on I grew to love not only Tim but to love Ethan more than words could ever express. 

For the majority of our relationship Tim and I have lived in GA while Ethan and his mom live in CT and we would see him a few times a year and talk with him on the phone multiple times through out the week. Though this was not an ideal situation it is what we had to do for our family at the time. 

Since having gotten married I have ALWAYS referred to Ethan as my son, as I genuinely do see him that way and the times he was with us I have always treated him as such. From the beginning he has always called me Anna , which please don't misunderstand is completely acceptable, especially when he only ever saw me maybe twice a year. 

However since late August due to situations no one could control Ethan is now with his dad and I full time, something I have viewed as such a huge blessing but at the same time it has opened an entirely new can of worms.

Ethan has a mom and she is very much involved in his life though she lives about 2 hours away now she sees him regularly and they talk and skype often. By no means would I ever want to take that from either of them and I would never want to take her place in Ethan's eyes, but this leaves me in quite an odd place especially given that he is with us full time now and we I am more a part of his day to day activities. 

I hate ever having to refer to Ethan as my stepson it just sounds so distant to me and not a reflection of how I truly view him. He is my boy but I am not his mom. I have had quite an identity crisis of sorts lately in not knowing who I am or what I am to him. I know he views me as an authoritative figure and I know he knows I am his dads wife but I don't know how much he gets aside from that and I can't help but wish for more than that. He knows what a step mom is by definition but at five I do not know that he fully grasps it. It seems like almost daily I struggle not fully knowing what to do on simple things like signing permission slips or filling out contact info for soccer registrations; Do I put my name in under mom or do I list his moms even though she would most likely not be able to make it here fast enough int he event of an emergency? Do I give permission on things school related or do I wait til his dad is home and get his ultimate approval first? and perhaps the toughest one of all When I introduce myself to his friends moms at school am I his mom or stepmom or father's wife? 

I feel if I say I am his stepmom it seems so cold and uncaring and if I say I am his mom I do not want him to feel uncomfortable. 

To be honest I am not sure of exactly what the point of this blog is or what I am hoping to get out of it. I just needed to vent as this is something that I have been dealing with a lot lately. If anyone has any suggestions I am definitely willing to take them. 

I would just love to know what is and isn't ok and if there is anything that makes this easier. 

22

Lately I have been thinking a lot about my life and where I am and who I am now in comparison to where I thought I would be.... When I was younger I never imagined the age of 22 being what it is, I never imagined it at 22 I would have titles like wife, mother, daughter in law, I always thought at 22 I would have a very carefree lifestyle of your normal 20 something female and that I would be graduated with my bachelors and working towards my masters.
Don't get me wrong in no way am I complaining about the life I lead, my husband and son are my world and I would not trade them for anything, but that does not mean that there aren't times that I think about and realize just how young 22 really is.... In my mind I feel like an adult I fell as though in my mind I am 35 and am balancing the stresses of life like work schedules and bills and running errands like kids doctors appointments and soccer games and getting groceries, instead of the things in my mind a typical 22 year old may be doing like hanging out with friends and going to the movies and taking spur of the moment trips to random locations. I would be lying if i said there were never times I didn't wish for that type of lifestyle of little stress and responsibility.
While thinking about all this though I have come to one realization that has made a lot of things clear the reason my life isn't what I thought it would be is because those were MY plans not GODS and can I just tell you that GODS plans were sooooo much better. God knew where I was in my life at 19 when I he made a way for me to be introduced to my best friend and love of my life, and he knew where I was at the age of 20 when I said "I do" to that same man and committed to a life with him. He knows where I am at 22 when giving me the amazing honor and blessing to be the main provider for our sweet little boy. I am so thankful that my life didn't go according to my plans because I wouldn't trade a single "I love you " from either of my boys for any fun crazy night or trip and I wouldn't trade a single bed time story and night time prayers for any party. So when I think about what my life could have been I remember one simple verse.
Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future."

The Little Things

As many of you may or may not have heard Tim and I have made the decision that as of October we will be moving to Massachusetts to live. This has been good news to some people and not so good news for others. I wanted to take a moment to write this blog so that the people close to us can at least get a little bit of insight into why the decision was made and what went into it as I feel like we are getting a lot of people asking why or if we had considered different things when making this choice.
I do want to let people know that this was not an overnight decision. This was not a something we gave little thought to. Tim and I have both thought and prayed about this situation for a while now and have considered all that is to be considered concerning the issue. We understand what we are giving up here in GA and it is not gonna be easy to walk away from a great job, a wonderful family, and everything I know to be home but through prayer and a lot of thought I have come to the realization that I have to do what's best for MY family, as in mine and Tim's not my extended family. I love my Mother, brothers, sister in laws and nieces and nephew more than anyone will ever know but as true as that may be they aren't my priority Ethan is.

God blessed me two years ago not only with an amazing husband but also a beautiful little boy that I wouldn't trade for anything on this planet. Moving to MA will accomplish something Tim and I have been trying to do ever since he moved here three years ago and that is being closer to Ethan and getting to see him so much more often. Most parents tend to take for granted so many "little" things they get to do with their kids on a regular basis that we are being forced to miss out on due to the distance between us. We want so badly be able to see Tee ball games, school plays, soccer games, we want to be able to attend parent teacher conferences, and mostly we want to stop having to decide which holidays we can afford to go see him on. Ethan is our world and is mine and Tim's number one priority and right now we are not able to be the parents that we want to be from this far away. So I'm sorry if it upsets people that we are choosing to leave so much behind but none of it matters to me. I don't care if I have a job that pays ten times what I make right now it wont be worth more than being able to see him more than three times a year.

Leaving will be hard and to be honest there are some days that I dread the idea of doing so but there are other days when I get so excited to start a new chapter with my husband and son. I know everyone has the best of intentions when trying to give us advice and tell us what we should or shouldn't do, but I would really appreciate if everyone would just trust us on this one. Trust that we have mature and responsible and done our homework, trust that we know what is best for us, and please stop trying to convince us other wise because it makes it that much more difficult on all of us. I love you all and I hope that this is a decision that will prove to be beneficial for everyone in the long run.