Time to speak up.

Before I even begin I have a brief disclosure. I am writing this as a wife, mother, daughter, grandaughter, sister, neice, cousin and friend. It is not my goal to offend anyone or make anyone feel bad. However, with that being said I WILL NOT apologize for what I say nor will my opinion be easily swayed. This post is written primarily for family but I am sure that others may find this to be relavent to their life as well.

For the last few months my family seems to have based battle after battle, now battles are hard enough to fight on any occasion but even harder to fight when your oponent is your own family. I write this post with a broken heart as I have seen people who mean the world to me tear each other to shreds. It's not right and it HAS to stop. Marriages and invaluable relationships are being destroyed.

I am well aware I do not have EVERY detail to EVERY story but from what I do know a lot of this is he said she said highschool garbage. I understand there is hurt in these marriages and relationships that runs deep and that it wont be fixed over night but I feel as though instead of trying to make ammends and work through it, as a family should, instead we are all way to busy casting stones at each other. As a christian family we all KNOW this is not as GOD has commanded.

"For when they kept questioning him, he straightened and said to them, "Let any of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone"

---John 8:7

and James 2:10

"For whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumbles at just one point is guilty for breaking all of it."

We all know these verses are true as none of us is without sin and every one of us has failed ourselves and each other far more than once and will continue to fail until the day we die. No one failure is greater than the other, but as a family we are to forgive and rejoice in the great things GOD has blessed us with.

We have been through far worse things and are so much stronger than we give ourselves credit for. We tend to take each other for granted. We have two of our own fighting over seas in a war zone and as we all learned on that unforgettable day in 1994 that you never know when GOD is going to call someone home and you never know what your last conversation will be or the last time you will get to tell them you love them. I know there is a lot of hurt and anger going around but not a single one of you can deny the love that we feel despite it all.

I have made a point to stay our of all the different situations, I have not commented on facebook comments and messages for a reason as I did not feel I had anything to say. However now I feel differently. I want MY family back the one who doesn't just give up because things have gotten a bit rough the one that fights for their loved ones and does everything to mend relationships with their spouse, mother, father, sister, brother, exct. I no longer want to be this family that satan is trying to create and I really hope that you all can take this seriously and put you pride aside in order to try and make things good again for all of us.

I know I am not alone in how I think or feel and this is part of the reason I have written this. I love you all!

Vows

" He who finds a wife finds what is good and recieves favor from the LORD"

Proverbs 18:22

It seems to me that all I see on facebook anymore is people, more specifically married couples, airing their dirty laundry and relationship issues out for the entire world to see. This beyond frustrates me for a few reasons but mainly because I have to wonder where the love and respect went in their relationship? It makes me wonder if there ever was any. A marriage is a beautiful thing and can be the greatest thing in your life but it is most often one of the hardest things in life.

A husband and wife should be respectful of each other at all times in good time and in bad. How can a man say such negative about his wife , the woman he has vowed to honor and protect, to an entire audience of people. And how can a wife curse her huband, the man she has vowed to serve and stand beside, to everyone to see? These are things that baffle me.... I understand marriages are rough and people get angry and occasionally things get said that are not meant but why would you put that out there for the world to see? I love and respect my husband far to much for that. Though he can upset me and make me mad I would never blast him all over the internet because quite frankly it's not the place nor is it anyones business. The devil finds any foot hold he can grab onto to destroy a marriage and making issues so public gives him the perfect opprotunity to come in and plant hatred between two peple who used to think their spouse was the most amazing person in the world.

I find it very sad that I know 6 married couples on the verge of divorce! 4 or wich are under the age of 30. Only one of these couples have seeked help in the form of couseling. We have been so trained in modern society that if somethings gets hard then we can just give up and move on insead of fighting through it. Nothing worth having comes easy. I just need to say to any couple who may be struggling, Please remember what you vowed on your wedding day. Work through the hard times. Statistically the majority of marriages end between the 2nd and 4th year simply because the newness has wornoff and life has reared its ugly head and couples just forget to fight for their marriage and the allow other things to become more important.

"More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the
better comes after the worse." ~Doug Larson

I would give anything to have what you have.

I remember when I was around seven years old I was sitting in my grandmother's kitchen playing with my dolls and my uncle asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up and I simply said that I wanted to be a mommy. This is such a vivid memory for me and for a while I wasn't really sure why but I believe its because even though that was nearly fifteen years ago and i am now all grown up that want and desire still remains true. There have been alot of things in my life that I have gone back and forth on, that one day I wanted and the next day I didn't but my desire to be a mother and a wife and to care for a family has never once been doubted.

God has blessed me in the past two years with the most amazing man that anyone could ask for and he allowed me the great honor of being his wife. As if Tim was not enough God also blessed me by having Ethan become a part of my family as well. I have never cared for a child in the way that I do that little boy. Though he is not a part of my body and he does not share my DNA he is a huge part of my husband and this makes him so incredibly speacial to him. I have just gotten the great chance to spend some time with him for a little over a week and be his caregiver. Since he lives far away we don't often get the chance to tuck him in at night or give him hugs and kisses when he is sick or hurt. We don't get the chance to take him to his favorite resturaunts or to parks, but this week we were given that opprotunity and I couldn't have asked for a better week. I know most women complain about cooking, cleaning laundry and things of that nature but I love doing it for my family. Though this week has been one of the happies weeks it has also been one of the most depressing.

A couple months ago I went to the doctor because I had been having issues with my monthly cycle and the ran a lot of tests and ultimately discovered that there is a good chance what is known as PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) I know alot of people are familiar with it but the reasearch I have done it has come to my knowledge that it greatly limits your chances to have children of your own since it prevents your body from releasing eggs properly. Though this is not a for sure diagnosis ( will go to the doctor again in a few weeks) it is some of the most devastating news I have recieved. I see Ethan as my son no questions asked, but the fact reamins that he isn't "mine" he has a mommy he has someone that tucks him in every night he has someone that reads him his favorite books and he has someone to kiss his boo boos. No matter how much I want to be I am not who he wants when he is upset he wants his mommy. Don't get me wrong I understand this is how it should be that is his mothers right and her role in his life but I can't help but find myself incredibly jealous of her and all the others who have been given that amazing gift and I can't help but find myself wondering if I will ever have it. I can't express how difficult it is to see someone in a certain way and in them view you in an entirely different manner. I care for Ethan as though he were mine and we get along very well and I will be his Anna for forever just not his mommy. I get so discouraged and frustrated when I see comments about women complaining about having to care of the children, I guess they just don't realize what they have. There are many days when we have Ethan that I simply feel like I am playing house and that sooner or later it is all going to come to an end, that in just a few more days he will return to his mommy and then I will have to go back to my "normal" life. Please don't misunderstand I love being a wife and I love caring for my husband but my heart can't help but long for more.

I know I have probably sounded as though I think what I have is not enough but I promise that's not what I mean Ethan and Tim are my world and if I never do give birth to a child of my own I still could not be more blessed. I know GOD is in control and he has a plan and I am trying my best to trust in him and be patient and see his plans for me. I know he is bigger than any silly disease or disorder and I know if it is his will I will concieve when the time is right. I have just never been the best at being patient when I want something so badly. If anything comes of this blog its for any of the mothers who read it to just hug their kids and truely be thankful for them don't get frustrated as easily even when temper tantrums are being thrown or a baby has been crying for hours on end and you havent slept in days just know that there are so many women in the world that would give anything to have what you have.

Leap of FAITH

Tonight while talking to an old friend through text message, my friend asked what I thought it meant to have faith or to take a "leap of faith" in life spiritually as well as in relationships. This is a question I really did not have an immeadiate answer for and I had to think about. "What does faith mean to me?" My mind autimatically went to a familiar verse,

Hebrews 11:1
" Now FAITH is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."

I pondered this verse for a bit and had to ask myself what this truely meant because often times in my life the Bible and scriptures can just become a bunch of words that I have memorized. I asked my grandparents what their defnition of faith was and my Grandpa shared something with me written by a bishop for the Pentacostal Church of God that really made sense to me and this is just a bit of what it said:

"its the fear of foolishness that keeps us from raising our hand in fourth grade. The other kids may laugh if i get the answer wrong. It is the fear of foolishness that keeps us from asking someone out on a date. I don't think I can handle the rejection if they say no."

it goes on to say that people throughout the Bible people who accomplished great things often looked foolish while carrying out the tasks. For example; Noah building the ark, Sarah buying maternity clothes at 90 years of age, Peter stepping out of the boat into the water, and Jesus hanging half naked on a cross beaten and bruised.

After I went through all this in my mind combining this Bishop's knowledge and knowledge of what the scripture has to say I have come to one conclusion;
Having faith does not mean you will never fail it does not mean that you will never experience pain or hurt. The phrase "leap of faith" is worded like that because sometimes you just have to jump not knowing what is going to break your fall. Yeah it could be broken glass and you could come out with a few scrapes, and having to get back up and try again but what if you are caught by God's grace and everlasting love? Is it not worth the risk. To me faith is jumping in head first and knowing God will be there despite the outcome. Who would have thought that a simple five letter word could have so much meaning.

Never Alone

All of my life I have been nothing but blessed by the people around me. I have an awesome family, amazing friends and a boyfriend who means the world to me. Though I know these people would do anything for me just as I would for them, there are times in my life when things become very overwhelming and they are simply not able to make me feel better no matter how hard they try.
These last few days have been that way for me, school is keeping me insainley busy, I am trying to search for a job all this amidst a million other things and I have felt, on a few occasions, that I was alone and no one understood what I was going through because no one lives my life obviously. Well today as I was listening to music and reading my Bible I found a couple scriptures that really encouraged me.

First is the second half of Proverbs 18:24 which simply states
"but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother."
Second verse is Hebrews 13:5 also the end of the verse
"Never will I leave you, Never will I forsake you."

Thses verses are encouraging to me in many ways but mostly because it shows me that even when I feel like no one is ever going to understand or even really cares about my problems and struggles no matter how big or small, I KNOW my God does and he is going to stick by me on the mountains and in the valleys and he is NEVER going to leave my side no matter what I do because he loves me.

Love is Patient, Love is Kind

Most of us at some point in our lives have been to atleast one wedding if not multiple weddings and due to this fact most of us can pretty much quote the ever so traditional "love is patient love is kind" line. However since I have recently begun a relationship I have occassionaly thought about marriage and in turn a wedding and those words.
I sat down to spend some God time today and felt the need to look up those scriptures and heres what I have come up with as my prayer for myself in this relationship I am now a part of.

" Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast ,it is not proud, it is not rude, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs, Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in truth, it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perserveres"

These are more than just words said at a wedding to me as I begin to fall in love and really understand what they mean. I have felt love for people my entire life but this is a different kind of love this is the kind of love.

I simply ask and pray that God allow me to follow these characteristics of love. I want to be patient and not become frustrated I ask that God help me be as kind as possible and to not get angered easily dispite circumstances. I pray i am never boastful to my partner I would never want to hurt him in that way. I pray I am never to proud to share my feelings and concerns with him. I pray that I don't hold onto grudges for that will only hinder our relationship and certainly not help it. I want to rejoice with him in all things good and truthful. I want a love of trust and hope and perserverance because that's a love a feel can last and withstand the toughest circumstances.

Now I am not naive enough to think that things will be easy all the time and to think that I will never be angry or upset or that he will never feel those emotions towards me but I do pray that I can keep these verses in mind in the midst of storms. I have learned just from this short time that when someone as important to me as him hurts I hurt when he is happy I am happy I want to share his burdens and troubles as well as his joys and happiness. I pray things continue on the Godly path in which they have begun and that these words can remain close in mind and in heart.

Sickening Feeling, Not Always A Bad Thing......

This morning as I was making my coffee God felt the need to remind me of some of the times when he has used me to speak to people, most recently this past Sunday morning at church. I was unsure of the purpose of this at first but as I got to thinking why he could possibly want me to remember these things on this particulair day and then I remember a conversation I had with a good frind just a couple nights ago. She knows God wants her to do something but is scared of what the consequences may be if she does indeed talk to this person. So this is kinda for her (she knows who she is).

I got to thinking about when I feel like God wants me to tell someone sonething and how I feel, because afterwards its easy to forget how difficult it was to actually do it because I now see the positive outcomes of the situations. I remember one time inparticulair when I was at bible study at a friends house and God kept speaking the word "comforter" not sure what this meant I just kinda pushed it aside thinking I would figure it out later but God didn't quit I eventually had to get up and write down what I was being told and look up the verses he had given me. At that point I knew I was supposed to give this to someone but wasn't sure who, it was then that I recieved a text and I then knew who it was for. I just so happened to be the last person in the world that I wanted to give it to (go figure right). Needless to say I argued with God pretty much the entire ride home and told him I didn't want to do it but ultimately I decided okay I will do it. However when I got back to my dorm I began having second thoughts and doubting if tis was even God or if I was doing the right thing. I literally felt sick to my stomach with nerves and I had to do something so I called my friend and asked her to come to my room. When she got there I almost backed out yet again but before I could just handed her the paper with everything God had spoken to me on it she read it and guess what it was exactly what she needed on that day.

This wasn't the first or last time this has happened to me but I have recently come to the conclusion that when I begin to doubt something or question something that has been consistantly pulling at me for a long period of time it is usually God and the enemy is trying to keep me from being a witness. So I just have to suck up and do it and I have yet to be let down by God. I trust that he is the one speaking and not myself and I know he ALWAYS has the words that need to be said and that I myself am not the one that is helping the person involved.